I love you, by E Yeon

I love you. I wish I could tell you exactly when and why the words ‘I love you’ became difficult to mean. Maybe the words grew heavier as I gained weight, maybe they turned bitter in junior high… it doesn’t really matter how it happened though, it happened all the same. But on February 26th, 2017, starting right around 2 p.m., I said 'I love you' over and over again and I meant every word.-I was in the lobby when I heard that Peter Hart died. I was using a communal desktop to save my data and I was happy because my crush ended up sitting next to me. I was sitting upright, overly aware of my posture and profile, and I was checking my Facebook sparingly because I wanted him to know that I could be serious when it came to my studies. So that was what I was thinking about when Peter died, whether or not I was pulling off the smart and sexy look on a Sunday afternoon.-A couple of things happened before I realized they were happening. A girl named Alex (who I don't remember ever talking to before) found me in the corner leading into the stairs, and she held me until I could say that I'd prefer to be alone. Some people brought me water, I don't know who. I tried to clean up in the bathroom and instead walked into my crush taking a shit. I changed into a black dress and tried going to church. But it was an awkward time, they were either in mid-sermon or preparing for evening service; I felt bad about interrupting the good Christians with my irregular guilt, so I ended up sitting in a bus station, near the back entrance of St. Laurence. I felt something that I can only call 'loud' come and take over me, and I felt the need to muffle it, or at least cover it up. So I started making calls.-It first started with Maria, then it was Bella, then Natalie, the other Peter, Elaine, Polina and so on. Everybody picked up within the first rings.Whoever was the first to speak asked, “Are you okay?” and the other, “Yes, are you safe?”And then it'd go, “I love you” and the other, “Me too.”It was quick and efficient, almost mechanical. But it was genuine, and everybody knew.-I called Stephen last. He was my connection to Peter, I was a good friend to him and he to Peter. Stephen was probably my favorite person from high school; I took him to Senior Dance. He was the perfect date: he embraced my godawful dancing and offered me his jacket when the first chill set in. At the end of the night, Stephen walked me to the dorm, and I felt love, so much love towards him that I thought maybe I had to kiss him. I’ve done more with people I felt less for. But I didn’t, and I brushed the feeling off as something fleeting, hormonal.-   Stephen was already crying when he picked up the phone. He was with someone else, maybe his own Alex.“Hold on, hold on. E?”I don’t know how he knew it was me. I never gave him my number. And suddenly, even though I stopped crying an hour before, even though I knew Stephen was probably hurting more, I started sobbing at the sound of his voice.“No, I'm just on the phone. I need to talk to her. E, are you still there?"“Yes, I’m okay, Stephen, are you okay?”“Yes… I mean, no, E. Fuck, I don’t know…”Then Stephen’s voice trailed off to make a sad, guttural sound and I knew he was simultaneously blowing his nose and swallowing his snot back. And I recognized the love, the love I felt for him at that moment, as the one I felt on the night of the dance. The words came more frantically and more instinctively than ever.“Stephen, listen to me. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. Stephen, I need you to know this. Please tell me you know.”It was a kind of love that I thought had to come with strings attached but no, it was just love. It just was.“Don’t leave me, Stephen. Don’t you fucking dare.”And in the midst of the overwhelming loud, a sudden silence settled within me when he replied, “I know. I won’t. I love you too.”

Sticks and Stones and Something About Words, by Su Young

When you told me, “You’ll love it there,” I didn’t believe you, though I have come to find that you are nearly always right. I didn’t notice that you never said “we” or “I,” but back then I didn’t notice a lot of things I should have.To be honest, I can’t remember it clearly, the day your life was reduced to a little carry-on that trailed behind us. It was the day you grabbed my little hand and steered me away from your life so we could start mine. I can imagine what happened though, from the scene that repeated each year after short trips back home. By home I mean your home, as I think you liked to believe it was not fully mine. You wanted me to find a home away from the bustling city, where overpopulation made everything a fight: a fight for the best grade, job, house, parking spot, or even the last seat in the little subway trains that snaked beneath and between the towering blocks of concrete. I’m thinking you wanted me to have a childhood, and expose myself to an environment where I could choose to be anything, or nothing, rather than enter the frenzy of forced learning evident in a small country caught between China and Japan and under pressure to prosper. Or maybe I’m being too analytical, and maybe you yourself wanted an escape (from what?). But you never wanted anything for yourself, so I don’t know.What I am trying to say is that you probably walked though the gate without ever looking back, while I waved and cried enough for the both of us. You didn’t cry because you didn’t want to add to the wet chaos. You would have been the picture of bravery as you led me away and I asked why we had to leave Daddy behind and you said he was working to make this all possible for us, and I didn’t understand you because I was a soon-to-be seven-year-old who couldn’t quite grasp the concept of self-sacrifice. You probably smiled down at me as we left the country of your birth, childhood, adolescence, marriage, family, culture, and language. I probably scowled back.I can tell you what I do remember though, once we arrived in the city of sails and the land of the long white cloud — Aotearoa, say it with me, don’t you love the way it sounds like skipping stones before it escapes your tongue? I remember the blue, blue sky, which I only now realize hangs a lot closer to earth than in any other place I’ve been to, as if eager to meet its reflection in the sea. I remember the smell of salt or chlorinated pool water, never quite washed away because I always begged to go swimming and you never refused me anything even though you always warned me about catching a cold. I remember the slow car rides along empty roads and past low-lying houses that were so different from the apartment complexes I was used to. You used to wake me up in the morning and I would sit in the car half-asleep as you practiced driving on the wrong side of the road.A ten-minute drive in any direction led us to a beach, and it was the most magical thing in the world because the only time I had seen a real beach before then was after a five-hour battle through traffic. I remember the empty beaches, except on those especially sunny weekends that everyone spent like vacations, stretching the warm lazy afternoons to eternity before dragging their grass-stained bodies home, dreading work or school or life that was to begin again. Sometimes though, you drove me to the beach after school and I stood in the sand, alone. All that reminded me that I wasn’t on some lost island all by myself were the footprints in the sand and then your call, from far away, where you also stood lonely facing the waves.I remember the Pohutukawa trees that lined these beaches and I remember seeing the spiky red flowers that were nestled in the leaves like Christmas bulbs for the first time. I remember our first Christmas in the middle of summer and thinking this was the place of fairytales where anything could happen; Santa came dressed in a singlet and wellies. Dad wasn’t there to bring out the hidden presents and organize them in the dark, like that one time I caught him but never mentioned. You still bought a little Christmas tree. I still received my presents. I remember how we had a garden for the first time and I used to run barefooted in the soft grass and I would bike and dig for endless afternoons as the memory of piano lessons and workbooks faded away, back across the ocean to that other place.I could go on about what I remember, and I want to because now that I’ve left the place I’m scared of forgetting and I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget bushwalking and climbing trees and spotting native birds and trying to copy their distinct calls. The rounds of hide-and-go-seek in the trees where every trunk was a place to hide behind and the rope swing behind my best friend’s house tied to a plum tree and the blue striped hammock you bought me one summer—why does it feel like it was always summer? —that I put up myself and lay in for no more than a few minutes at a time because I never liked being still. The little cliff on Marine Parade where I used to jump from, straight into the rising waves, and the array of cuts and bruises I would collect by the end of the day that I wore proudly like badges. I want to remember all of these things.You see, I remember paradise. You remember it differently.You probably remember the first day of school as you pulled away my fingers that were wrapped in the bunched fabric of your skirt. You remember me shaking my head as you gently asked if I was excited for the first day of school, and then wondering how I would survive not knowing a word of English. I remember you with my new teacher as an expression of annoyance briefly crossed her face when she realized I was more work because I couldn’t speak the language, and you struggling to hide your embarrassment as you tried to gesture towards me and told the teacher, “P-please… be good.” You probably remember how you felt as you drove back in an unfamiliar car along an unfamiliar road to an unfamiliar home, so you could wait there until you could pick me up from school. You probably remember dropping me off to a friend’s house and returning home so you could press a phone to your ear and tell your friends back in your real home how yes, it was wonderful here, the people were so nice, they smiled and said hello on the streets and you were so grateful I was settling in well. You probably remember what you felt as you put on a Korean mixed tape in the car stereo and how I would surprise you and open the car door and catch you listening to old sad songs, which you would turn off so I could tell you about my day.I don’t remember this because I wasn’t there for you, but you probably remember the day you were sitting in the car, waiting for me. You were always waiting for me. You were probably listening to old Korean songs again, reminding yourself of past fantasies about handsome singers when you had been young and foolish and full of dreams like you wanted me to be. There would have been a knock on the glass and you would have opened your eyes. A group of teenage boys would have met your gaze and your heart would have dropped as there was another sharp knocking sound and the pebble rolled down the front of the windscreen. You probably can’t remember the series of unfamiliar English words they shouted at you as they threw their stones because you simply did not understand them, and I would like to say it was better you did not understand but it hurts more to think you couldn’t even tell what they were saying about you, other than the few words that caught your ear, “Asian,” and “go back,” as if you didn’t want to go back and as if you didn’t cry behind closed doors where I would stand listening to your muffled sobs. You probably imagined getting out of the car and scaring the little boys away with all the Korean swear words you knew but instead, you drove away trembling and parked elsewhere. The car was fine. You must have wiped your tears, realized I would be coming to find you when school was over, and put on a smile like you always do, which is why I didn’t know.I’m sorry I don’t remember this, that I don’t remember what you felt as you watched my life go by just the way you wanted, happy, because you never told me. You never told me how it felt to lie and tell me—when I was slighted for my foreign face, so like yours, when the other kids wouldn’t let me play teacher and only the student because I sounded different, when I was told I shouldn’t write because it wasn’t my language to write in and because I had a strange name and when I asked you if that was true —that the world was accepting and we were welcome here, that we were welcome wherever we wanted to go and I could do whatever I liked. You never told me how you were scorned like a child and how alone you felt and how I would be the only person you talked to for days because no one else understood you there. You never told me how you felt when I had to translate for you. When your blush betrayed your calm silence. I don’t blame you, and knowing you I wouldn’t be surprised if you were simply grateful I hadn’t been there in the car and grateful that ultimately, I did love it there like you promised me I would. You are always so grateful for the silliest things, when it’s not you who should be. I think maybe I knew without you telling me, but I didn’t want to and that’s why when you mentioned going back I would throw a tantrum and you would pretend it was just a passing thought. You couldn’t even stay mad at me and how selfish I was because I was all you had.The sunlight filled the windows of our empty house and you crouched by your open suitcase, heaving your small shoulders—you seemed to have shrunk since the last time you had to pack the remains of your life away. We sat where our couch once stood, where the dents in the carpet had yet to fade away, trying to comprehend that we would never return again and that finally, years and years later, you could return home from your voluntary exile. You suddenly turned to me and told me about that one afternoon, the car, the boys, and the stones. I remember that you finally cried, and I finally, finally, cried with you.

Catfishing Ourselves to Death, by Audrey

It was January and cold and the beginning of my last semester of college. To avoid these conditions, I holed up in my room and watched MTV’s reality television show “Catfish” until it was February and cold and I, underprepared, desiccating, had only three folders for five syllabi. Then I left my room. I began seeing catfish everywhere. I fell in love with the idea of a bird. This is Audrey’s story. Dun-dun-dun. “Catfish’s” ultimate challenge is, I believe, creating action out of physical inaction. Most of catfishing takes place in a dimension closed off to video cameras, but Nev and Max—the two hosts of “Catfish”—really try to physicalize the experience. And how they try. Each episode of “Catfish” involves at least one plane ride, four car trips, a pillow fight in a hotel room, a fumble for a cellphone, a high five/fist pump, a hug, and a detour to a local coffeeshop. Nev knocks on doors. Nev dances. Max stands up. Max sits down. Throughout, the two men walk around so much so that Max holds both a steadycam and a digital camera to capture the extra action.This is how it goes: a person falls in love with a person—an image of a person, really—on a social media platform; then, the person goes AWOL or haywire. The catfished, concerned, sends an email to MTV’s Nev and Max, who fly out to meet the catfished, get the backstory, then, armed with info, leave for a hotel room. Then comes the most exciting part: they open a web browser. They investigate. They Google. They scour multiple social platforms for the catfish, contacting the people digitally surrounding the catfish, calling and messaging them until the catfish finally emerges, mythological, mysterious, after the ad break.“Catfish” shows, step by step, the painful transition from expectation to reality mediated by screens. It’s in its seventh season now, and for good reason: watching the destruction of a person’s reality never really grows old. There is no same way a person’s reality is destroyed. “It’s like a movie, but real,” said a man confronting his catfish, both of them suddenly pushed out into the cruel, loveless world of a park in Cleveland. (Season 6 Episode 18: Nicole & Nicole). Once the hygienic pixels are replaced with a sweaty palm, we are supposed to feel relieved that this façade has been peeled away. I nod at the screen—good for you, Nicole! We are thankful, proud, happy. We are better now. Clearer-eyed. We won’t be fooled again. I watched all available episodes of “Catfish” and searched desperately for a similar feeling of digital rebirth. I discovered livestreams.Livestreams prove that it is possible to live under constant surveillance. It proves that there is such a thing as a life broadcasted 24/7; it also proves that there is an audience 24/7 to watch it. I found an ornithology channel. I watched livestreams of birds because a screen showing a live bird in another country somehow felt like a better confirmation of my existence than the pigeons in Washington Square Park. I liked the one of the Panama Fruit Feeder the best. The Panama Fruit Feeder is dark-feathered, with a long beak. It looks like a toucan. It’s quite adorable. I also liked the greenery of the livestream, which the Cornell Lab Bird Cam describes as “2,000 ft above sea level in the low mountains of Cerro Gaital, with a mild springtime climate year-round.” On the sixth floor of the library, I would sit by a window and trade glances between West 3rd Street and the greenery of a forest 2,000 ft. above sea level. But, strangely, I have never seen the Panama Fruit Feeder itself.I checked in at odd hours. Sometimes the screen was dark; sometimes the forest was empty; sometimes, at night, I’d see a large rat-looking creature scrounging through leaves. I still never saw the bird, but that was fine because the Panama Fruit Feeder was there, somewhere, even out of sight, because the title of the livestream—"Panama Fruit Feeder Cam at Canopy Lodge”—guaranteed its existence. I waited. I watched the dark screen. The rodent’s eyes glowed and I ignored the ick in my stomach: was I being catfished by a bird?The 24-hour streams, like the catfish, exist and grow because voyeurism is the byproduct of a fixated gaze. We may not like or believe in what we’re watching but it’s there, it’s rouses, and nothing marks a Huxleyan better than a livestream of an empty forest. It could be a video on loop and I would not know. In the end, I don’t know if it would have even mattered. More important was that a video of the Panama Fruit Feeder was available at any hour with the promise of a bird. I sometimes feel a little bad about watching or wanting to see the bird. But I refresh the tab. I watch a remorseless catfish laugh to himself and think that maybe he understands, better than any of us, what this is all about. (Season 5, Episode 13: Lucas & Many).

Piecemeal Departure, by Chelsea Cheng

01.
lethargy / don't tell me what / wine-drenched smile / i can (will? must?) save you / half-emptied heart / "god is dead" / 8am cassette tapes / time travel in summer rain / i can't and i can't / sky high exhibitions / apology not accepted / the clock pulls me out / keep me in that goddamn swamp / or else
02.
 in the palm of your motherfucking hand / sorry for the inconvenience / lie down and sink / blue sunset / bourbon / what's in a name? / don't listen to the midnight podcast / you your yours / crawl back (in)to her / this train will not stop here / and so
03.
a ghost is dancing on your shriveled tongue

An etymology of hunger, by Carliann

There is a corner of the internet in which people post videos of themselves eating as many calories as they possibly can. They call it the 10,000 calorie challenge in which: one person stares through the camera to prove they eat 5 times the daily caloric amount recommended by some organization and I don't know why this exists or why I know this exists, that one video alone has 11 million views but it looks like he’s watching me watch him and When I was twelve I went to the grocery store with my mom and in the fluorescent lighting of the frozen food aisle emerged an old woman who came up to us and told us that we looked so much alike, I must’ve been an immaculate conception. The look in her eyes told me she believed it so much I was confused to have had my most religious experience next to the dairy section. Head of lettuce ear of corn blood pudding hearts of palm elbow pasta kidney bean angel hair, something about religion and bread as body, I learned once that somewhere in Freud you can come to the conclusion that hunger is the prototype of all satisfaction because feeling satiated is only ever temporary. I’m not really interested in psychoanalysis but when I was asked where we turn to for instinctual gratification a computer seems like a weird answer. There are 166 definitions for the word hunger in the oxford english dictionary. There are 166 calories in one tablespoon peanut butter and one medium apple. I wonder how many of them have to do with desire; I found a list of “hunger related diseases” and it features Malnutrition. I didn’t know that it can also mean when the body has too many nutrients. Official diagnosis: early satiety. What it is: a condition marked by feeling full after having eaten just a small amount of food. Really they should call it hunger that doesn't come or maybe hunger that lasts- some things sound like a blessing but feel like a curse, I took a class once about nature and every single book in the first section of the class taught us that bread was a poison, that the clearest way for men connected to nature to lose that connection was by turning wheat into bread. This wasn't the first time food marked a transition from something sacred to something less. Some definitions for the word feed: to furnish for consumption; to supply for maintenance or operation, as to a machine; to be nourished or gratified, subsist; a format that provides users with frequently updated content. WFP says hunger kills more than AIDS, malaria, tuberculosis combined. I don’t know what WFP is but I do know that There is a website titled “I am a Ghrelin Addict”. Ghrelin is a hunger hormone. Our body secretes it when we haven’t eaten. It makes you hungry but also, apparently, enhances learning and memory and increases our concentration of dopamine.Empty productivity.Hunger Anonymous.

Epilogue, by Ben

      You sit through classes at the local school, staring out of windows in stuffy classrooms. Large, square rooms, voices chanting in unison, plastic textbooks that sprawl from one end of the plastic tables to the other. Colorful pencil-boxes and packed school lunches.    You move away to the city in spring, as high school comes to a close and you leave, excited for the televised promises of urban life. You mix with thousands of similarly excited youths, sparking with the energy coursing through the Internet age. Your rented apartment is never empty of guests, with whom you smoke furtively out of windows, watching the birds come and go. You pick up jazz, playing regularly with a small band of friends. You laze about the school grounds, dance in nightclubs, fall into love.    You graduate brimming with promise, applying to a dozen government jobs, most of which reject you. You persevere, and find a comfortable desk job downtown. You work day and night, coming home just before midnight to eat freeze-dried TV dinners. She leaves you. You watch as promotion passes you by, once, twice. Then, you’re promoted, into a different job, doing different tasks, none of which you can really recall. This continues for many years, much of which you do remember, but only in glorious bursts of colors, in the laughter of your friends, in the crinkle of her eyes.    You dream at nights of being a hero, but some days you’d settle for just being a decent human being. You walk through life in a daze, letting time flow by without really noticing it. You get promoted again, into a job with an even longer title. You’re tired, but you push past it. You grow stronger everyday, as you sing songs to yourself. You string your latest apartment with trinkets of memory, and soon you have boxes of stuff piled along the walls.    An opportunity comes up. A teaching position in the university back near your hometown. You walk about the city for a few days, pondering your future. You make your decision buying ice cream besides a bridge, listening to cars roar past. You go home.    It’s hard to deal with the quiet of the countryside at first. You long for the white noise that had enveloped your life for so long, but eventually, you learn to wean yourself off it, as if it were any other drug. You travel to work everyday by train. On the walk to the station, you’d stare at the cherry trees, drawing memories of your childhood, of you napping beneath their wide canopies on the way to class.    The station seems old now that you’ve tasted the city. You like its oldness; it’s somehow comforting. When you close your eyes, you can hear the distant trains, rushing about their tracks, roaring and bellowing towards the vast, open sky. Deep down, past the sounds of chatter and the buzz of cars, you hear the rushing of your blood, mixing with the passing trains, blurring into a river of light.

How to cope, by Natalie Whalen

When April came and went, I thought I had only lost a friend.  Sat at the bottom of the shower, let sometimes cold, sometimes hot water pour over my body.  I watched all of Friends, twice.  I didn’t read, didn’t write and early one morning – at about 4 a. m. – I called my mother crying, told her I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. Loss (n.) – the feeling of grief after losing someone or something of value Someone or something of value. They say the worst thing is to be known, and not loved.  When you let someone in, let them see parts of you that you have not even begun to understand yourself, and they do not like what they see, this – this can be paralyzing.  To you, I was too rough, too demanding, too…knew you too well. But you left me, and for once I felt that I was in the right.  Right? In late May, I began to unpack the box sitting at the bottom of my closet that held in it our friendship.  What I found inside was a few photos, some old concert tickets, empty wine bottles and – not much else.  I began to see that box for what it really was:  a necessary, fortuitous placeholder put there by God or the Universe, who understood that we weren’t quite ready to face our demons. In the beginning, I thought I had lost you.  But what I came to realize was that through you, I had lost myself.  It took me weeks to remember our name.  But once I had, had thrown away that box, a greyish light began to seep through the negative space in my closet’s doorframe. Truth, said the Universe.  Sometimes screamed.  The more I resisted, the more it pushed back against me. Like when I tried to have sex for the first time in over a year and I threw up as soon as he was inside me. And when I went home for the summer and I got a black eye the second day back. And when I skipped therapy and the New York Times published their article on Harvey Weinstein. Two weeks ago, I looked inside my closet, and it was empty.  That greyish light still lingers in my bedroom, constantly around me, no longer trapped inside.  Now, I’m learning how to cope with the emptiness, learning how to fill it with good things. I used to place so much value on you, on us.  I had little left for myself.  I know now that the loss I felt then – that I still feel sometimes now – was never about you, or us. I had forgotten to grieve for myself.

Today, by Natalie Breuer

Today I saw a bonsai tree for sale in the window of a liquor store

 

 

& today I found a tiny clump of concrete that looked

like a pair of lungs

& today I threw darts at a board, barefoot

& today I poured cajeta on toast &

looked down

& today I saw a dozen wasps swarm through a

mass of evening light

& today a streetlamp burned itself cold.

I almost told you about it.

 

Once, you said that intimacy was an impossibility

for us, but at my apartment you left

a watercolor of an ovenbird in a pepper tree

& a handful of white hammer oysters

& a string of Tibetan prayer flags

& a Louis Wain print of cats playing hockey.

 

I remember you

& you, paying for film slides at luster photo on avenue a

& you, drinking pesole on the kitchen floor & coughing

& you, throwing up in a dogwood bush

& you, hanging an opaque sheet from the ceiling,

standing on a wooden chair

& your skin soft like lime oil

& your skin.

H.P. Lovecraft: The Veil of Fear, by Ben

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown” – H.P. Lovecraft, Supernatural Horror in Literature                An excerpt from H.P. Lovecraft’s notes (1928), where he first doodled the creature of the Cthulhu.  An imitation of H.P. Lovecraft, by Benjamin Mok: There is a house in Providence, down the lane from Prospect Park. Beneath a roof reminiscent of American colonial architecture, shuttered windows line the two floors, a façade of suburban normality betrayed by the gothic archway inviting you in. You walk past the cramped entranceway where worn, ornate furniture is crammed haphazardly throughout, each piece dreaming of a time when they inhabited grander mansions than this. Victorian portraits glare down at you from every available space on the walls, angered by your intrusion. Up the stairs, the door to the study stands ajar, framing a figure hunched over a mahogany desk. He doesn’t look up as you enter the room. A single window watches over his lanky, bespectacled form, faint moonlight illuminating the yellowed pulp magazines mixed into untidy sheaves of manuscript piled up around him. It is silent in this room, save for the faint ‘skritch-skritch’ of ballpoint against paper. You draw closer and notice another presence in the room standing beside the man, one that you could have sworn was not there a moment before. Vaguely human, dark as crude oil, its rubbery skin gleams beneath the moonlight. It rests its membranous hands lightly on the shoulder of the man, arching its slender form over the desk, as if perusing his work as it is written. You take a step back. It looks up, and where a face would have been there is nothing but skin stretched around an oval skull, the only indication of its eyes the two sunken depressions staring back at you. It raises a single, webbed finger to where its lips should have been. The moonlight flickers. You flee, past down the creaking stairs that whine with every step, out through the open front door (did you leave it open before?) and out into…    Normality. Or do you? That is the question Lovecraft confronts us with, in his massive, underrated body of work known collectively as the Lovecraft mythos. In it, readers are confronted with esoteric mythology, mind-numbing descriptions that defy conception, and an expansive bestiary of monstrosities–all framed within a seductive mixture of noir pulp fiction and cosmic horror. Known today as one of the progenitors of the ‘weird fiction’ genre, Howard Phillips Lovecraft once described the uniqueness of his work, and of the sub-genre it inspired, as thus:“The true weird tale has something more than secret murder, bloody bones, or a sheeted form clanking chains according to rule. A certain atmosphere of breathless and unexplainable dread of outer, unknown forces must be present; and there must be a hint, expressed with a seriousness and portentousness becoming its subject, of that most terrible conception of the human brain—a malign and particular suspension or defeat of those fixed laws of Nature which are our only safeguard against the assaults of chaos and the daemons of unplumbed space.”[Lovecraft, Supernatural Horror in Literature]A self-styled “antiquarian,” Lovecraft drew upon his knowledge of mythology, as viewed through the lens of anthropological and historical research at the time, in order to craft a convincing illusion of otherworldly forces and entities at work within realistic, contemporary settings. Lovecraft was a master at generating atmosphere in his work, an oppressive tension that permeates his breathless descriptions of non-Euclidian architecture and gruesome creatures. As with much of the work produced within weird fiction, it was this exact style of writing that drove as many away from reading his work as it has drawn to it.  Worse, there exists within his work hints of a very real fear within the society of his time. This fear functioned along the same lines as the cosmic terror Lovecraft peddled, but had consequences beyond the titillation of the mind and shuddering of the heart–the fear of the ‘other,’ framed as the unknowable. Modern scholars and biographers of Lovecraft have since pointed out concrete evidence with regards to his racist worldview, centered about a conviction in the cultural superiority of the Anglo-Saxon races, and a pseudo-scientific belief in eugenics. Much of this analysis can be found in the work of the premier Lovecraftian scholar, S.T. Joshi, in the biography: I Am Providence.Yet, regardless of literary and social controversy, his mythos has since taken on a life of its own within our cultural spheres, ranging from a still-growing legacy of Lovecraftian horror fiction that pays direct homage to Lovecraft as it expands the mythology established by him, to pop culture commercialism expressed in Cthulhu plushies and Lovecraft tote bags, to its inspiration of contemporary producers of horror such as Stephen King, Alan Moore and Junji Ito. Despite the literary snobbishness that Lovecraft’s works faced and still faces today, as with most genre fiction tending towards the fantastic, the proliferation of his ideas and motifs within society today tells us that there’s something important about cosmic horror that is worthy of our attention. What exactly was he so interested in? Lovecraft himself stated that he was fascinated by the notion of ‘cosmicism:’ that the human race was insignificant, vulnerable, and ultimately doomed in its existence within an arbitrary universe. To Lovecraft, notions of spirituality and universality were at best, forms of ideology, and at worst, superstition. No doubt that this was in part at least influenced by the transition of Anglo-European society into modernity, whereby both lingering religious beliefs and Enlightenment-era ideals were crushed bythe savagery of the World Wars. At a time in which the promise of science revealed more questions than answers (or reached towards answers that led to warped perspectives as was the case in eugenics), the morbid appeal of the specters of the past began to be replaced with the appeal of the sublime.    The sublime, without getting too much into the philosophical aspects of 18th-century Romantic poetry from which Lovecraft drew inspiration, is generally considered to be the ‘presentation of an indeterminate concept of reason’–a definition coined by Immanuel Kant in 1790. Whereas beauty is only a temporary response gained through understanding an object, the sublime refers to a ‘realm of experience beyond the measurable,’ dependent upon the unknowable nature of the object in question. What is sublime then must also evoke in equal parts terror and awe, resulting in an ecstasy that is ‘beyond oneself.’ One of the best explanations of the sublime I have come across can be found here. As Kant claims, only humans are capable of experiencing the sublime, for only we (as far as we know) have forgotten our insignificance in the face of nature, having grown arrogant in our dominance over the most easily observed aspects of it. The concept of death, for example, is something that we pretend to internalize, just so we might function in the day-to-day without being paralyzed by existential terror. Yet, who amongst us is able to give a definite answer of what lies beyond the veil?In many ways, the question of what the sublime is lies at the very core of horror fiction, as not only must the sublime invoke terror and awe, it must also elicit the inherent ‘pleasure’ of emotions: a freedom from oneself that can only be experienced when faced with the ego-destroying nature of infinity, or death. Of course, not everyone consumes works of horror in order to pummel themselves with existential crises, but there is a portion of ourselves that will always, unconsciously, be subject to the anxiety of not knowing what exists beyond the boundaries established by science. That is what art concerned with the sublime taps into. Lovecraft’s fascination with the sublime was what led him to pen some of his greatest works. In The Shadow Out of Time, Lovecraft deals with the science fiction trope of time travel in a characteristically morbid fashion–Nathaniel Wingate Peaslee, an American living in the 1930s finds himself possessed by an alien known as a Yithian, causing him to occasionally break out into visions of the past, present and future. Through them, he experiences the lives of these otherworldly entities, his consciousness transplanted into the monstrous form of the Yithians possessing him. His travels take him from the earliest reaches of the known history, from the Palaeozoic Era to the speculated future, which Lovecraft chose to be 16,000 A.D. Yet, upon returning to his body, he finds that society has deemed him insane due to the seemingly mad actions of the Yithian. Throughout the vast scope of the work, Nathaniel grows increasingly uncertain about the state of his own sanity as he struggles with the revelations–a masterful treatment of paranoia that was, to a certain extent, fuelled by Lovecraft’s. Yet, it is worth noting that Lovecraft made specific emphasis on how his protagonist’s troubles were brought about by “a lean, dark, curiously foreign-looking man,” and that in 16,000 A.D., his protagonist had spoken with “a magician of the dark conquerors.” Seems harmless? Let us take a look at another piece of work he penned then – The Horror at Red Hook. Here, Lovecraft talks about how Aryan civilization was all that stood against the “primitive half-ape savagery” of the lesser races, as evidenced by the poor neighborhoods of New York. Or, looking further back, we find a doggerel poem penned by Lovecraft, titled “On the Creation of Niggers,” where he states that “to fill the gap, to join the rest to Man,” God had created a beast “in semi-human figure, filled it with vice, and called the thing a Nigger.”This is unsurprising to anyone who already knows of Lovecraft’s beliefs. As an amateur journalist in 1915, Lovecraft had penned an article stating that “the crime of the century” was not that World War I had occurred, but that “the unnatural racial alignment of the various warring power” had led the Anglo-Saxon race to align themselves with “lesser breeds.” Later, he was to become an avid proponent of eugenics and racial Darwinism, masking his racism with an affectation of 18th-century colonial aristocratism. In another letter, he decried the invasion of American cities by ‘hook-nosed, swarthy, guttural-voiced’ Jews, “flabby, pungent, grinning, chattering niggers,” and “undesirable Latins, low-grade Southern Italians and Portuguese, and the clamorous plague of French-Canadians.” Even for the standards of early-19th century American society, the extent of his racism was beyond the norm–one that he was in the end unwilling to change with the changing times.His treatment of women was no better. He denigrated Jewish people and culture in front of his wife, Sonia Greene, who was herself Jewish and repeatedly tried to remind him “about her own background, but it didn’t seem to dissuade him from his fear of Jews and other immigrants.” Instead, he told her that she “no longer belonged to these mongrels.” In his work, he regularly fetishized women as the monsters from his mythos, clothed in a deceptive form, or portrayed as crones stemming from New England superstitions of witches (drawing inspiration from the Salem witch trials). In The Thing on the Doorstep, a piece he wrote in 1933, he castigates a character named Asenath Waite, whose abnormal desire was that “she wanted to be a man,” and thus abducted, then stole the form of the male protagonist. Stephen King, who names Lovecraft amongst one of his chief inspirations, has admitted that The Dunwich Horror and At the Mountains of Madness are works “about sex and little else,” and that the iconic Cthulhu was “a gigantic, tentacle-equipped, killer vagina from beyond space and time.” Arguing that Lovecraft was a product of his time is no excuse–as we have seen, his tendencies towards passionate racism and sexism extended beyond cultural indoctrination, wrapped into a mission and ideal of ‘civilization.’ Underlying his exploration of otherworldly terror lies a fear that in the globalization and economic decline during the turn of the 19th century, the patriarchal “Anglo-Saxon” civilization was in danger of being destroyed.   As much as Lovecraft wrote about gruesome monsters and mind-bending architecture, the bulk of his work was an exploration of the clinical depression from which he suffered, the notion of ‘undeath’ that he focused on obsessively. Yet, that does not mean he possessed a more nuanced understanding of people. In a 1921 letter, he also wrote: “I could not write about ‘ordinary people’ because I am not in the least interested in them. Without interest there can be no art… the humanocentric pose is impossible to me, for I cannot acquire the primitive myopia which magnifies the earth and ignores the background.” Perhaps then, while Lovecraft was eager to gaze at the stars, his reluctance to adopt this ‘primitive myopia’ prevented him from actually magnifying the earth, and taking a good look at the people around him. The reason why discussing Lovecraft is difficult is because the project he engaged in still has significance today. The knowledge of the sublime is something we all carry around with us, in our conversations with aging parents, in our irrational fears for our health, in our news outlets projecting images of death and destruction into our eyes. The more science reveals to us, the more we find ourselves subject to an uncaringly vast universe. It is still important that we express the sheer terror of existence, a collective lack of knowledge about what’s across that veil, in our cultural work today–and many do, in spheres ranging from the literary, to the popular.As we see with Lovecraft, it is easy to merge this concept of the sublime with a passionate hate and distrust of the ‘other,’ to what are conceived as social abnormalities or breaches of morality. Lovecraft certainly engaged in this, with a mythological construction of the ‘other’ designed to assail readers with uneasy imagery and concepts. Yet, in our perception of morality today, we clearly identify his faults, his racism, and his fetishization of violence towards women. Faced with this question, those influenced by his legacy find it difficult to resolve this tension. World Fantasy Award-winning novelist Nnedi Okorafor’s wrote a blog post in 2011, in response to a controversy regarding the replacement of Lovecraft’s bust as the award, stating that she wanted to “face the history of this leg of literature rather than put it aside or bury it.” People of a wide range of ethnicities and gender not only enjoy Lovecraft’s work, but produce more within his mythos–much of which criticizes and deconstructs Lovecraft’s prejudice, while still drawing upon his vision to create an unique literary sub-genre. The lesson then, if there is one to be learnt here, is that existential terror, conceived to be both awesome and terrible, but most importantly universal, can easily be turned into an aversion to anything outside of constructed social norms. It after all, taps into our deepest fears and the questions we have left unanswered. In our desperation for an answer, it becomes easy for us to direct this universal fear at a particular target. And recognizing this, cultural producers continue to use fear as a political and commercial tool.Yet, does this have to be the case? What about the other half of the sublime–the awe which it is supposed to inspire? There is much that has evolved within the sub-genre of weird fiction. While I dislike much of Tim Burton’s work, especially recently, I still remember watching Corpse Bride when I was young–an experience of the ‘weird’ that did not create fear, but a comfortable joy. Weird fiction is today in the process of taking a turn towards a celebration of the abnormal and the unknown, rather than fetishizing and fearing it. Instead of relying on politicians and media telling us which societal/ethnic group it is ‘in fashion’ to celebrate, perhaps we should look more carefully at the culture which we consume, and change it. A proper appreciation of the sublime gives us a toolkit to critically thinking beyond empirical norms, and allows us to judge for ourselves what is beyond the veil–a real authenticity in our pursuit for morality.  Happy Halloween!P.S.: If you haven’t yet, check out Junji Ito’s work. It will leave a chill running down your spine.

Modernist Character, by Charisa Gunasekera

As Virginia Woolf explains in her famous 1924 essay “Mr. Bennett and Mrs. Brown”, “Novelists differ from the rest of the world because they do not cease to be interested in character when they have learnt enough about it for practical purposes. They go a step further, they feel that there is something permanently interesting in character in itself. When all the practical business of life has been discharged, there is something about people which continues to seem to them of overwhelming importance, in spite of the fact that it has no bearing whatever upon their happiness, comfort, or income. The study of character becomes to them an absorbing pursuit; to impart character an obsession”.Woolf’s novel Mrs. Dalloway—published in 1925, the year after she wrote the essay “Mr. Bennett and Mrs. Brown”—details a single day in the life of Mrs. Dalloway, a fictional high-society housewife in post-World War I London. Clarissa Dalloway is Woolf’s titular character and, more importantly, a transitioning member of the Victorian age. As this novel’s structure experimentally breaks from the more conventional narration of the Victorian era by emphasizing the internal, its Victorian style characters emerge as ‘thinking’ individuals, self-consciously emphasizing the unconscious rather than the outer, visible self. In almost every sentence of this novel, Woolf’s readers encounter multiple ideas and multiple tones. Through all this noise, Woolf strives to represent her literary era’s war-torn world with brutal honesty by experimenting with stream-of-conscience techniques to explore the personal volume of an ordinary day, attempting to examine the psychology of her different characters—minute by minute, hour by hour, as Big Ben chimes their moments away unfailingly throughout the novel. This internalized shifting free indirect discourse attempts to contain the uncontainable: the unfathomable modern world of post-war London in June 1923.Post-war England was a civilization poised between its dying Victorian sense of power and it’s impending post-colonial impotence. Yet London at the beginning of the twentieth century was a city marked by an elaborate sense its place as The Capital of British imperialism. Mrs. Dalloway, a middle-aged British housewife character, exists attempting to escape her deeper thoughts in the hustle and bustle of London when forced to deal with repressed undercurrents of urbanization, cross-cultural contact (specifically of post-WWI); colonialism, decolonization; fundamental redefinitions of the individual mind, language, gender, and sexual identity – all essentially hinting toward the growing force of modern globalization juxtaposed against the transitory nature of her deeper human thoughts.The continuous passage of time during this single day in London’s changing space is shown to be particularly distressing for Clarissa: “Did it matter then, she asked herself, walking towards Bond Street, did it matter that she must inevitably cease completely; all this must go on without her; did she resent it; or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely? but that somehow in the streets of London, on the ebb and flow of things, here, there, she survived, Peter survived, lived in each other, she being part, she was positive, of the trees at home; of the house there, ugly, rambling all to bits and pieces as it was; part of people she had never met; being laid out like a mist between the people she knew best, who lifted her on their branches as she had seen the trees lift the mist, but it spread ever so far, her life, herself” (Woolf 8).Mrs. Dalloway’s “conscious” world is defined apart from any other subject she passes in her walk through the city, distinct from even the city itself, yet her inner-world also naturally synthesizes with her surroundings. Still, Clarissa’s stream-of-conscious reveals two very different mindsets here: One is displayed through her belief in living superficially in the moment to survive (“the trees at home; of the house there, ugly, rambling all to bits … the people she knew best”). The other seems to be a deeper inner-life that Clarissa associates with oblivion (“did it matter that she must inevitably cease completely?; all this must go on without her?; did she resent it?; or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely?”) and, thus, avoids engaging these deeper and darker thoughts by retreating to her superficial observations of London.It is the passage of time alone that structures Woolf’s Mrs. Dalloway, creating a lose frame around the chaos of post-World War I London by imposing order where there is none. However, the fascinating thing about Clarissa in the midst of this is that she actually does seem to perform consistently in a way that confirms her identity as a perfect hostess. Each time Mrs. Dalloway finds her performance threatened—that is to say, each time she runs the risk of having her identity deinstituted—Big Ben interrupts the threat and successfully insists that Clarissa immediately return to the confines of her role. Yet her innate complexity as a modern character is not lost on Woolf’s readers. In remaining stuck in her Victorian modes by traditional convention and the lose structure of Big Ben, Clarissa’s true character remains unexplored. But not altogether lost.This second conscious Mrs. Dalloway hides inside throughout Woolf’s novel, but it is still a force that is ever present.  In true Victorian fashion, Clarissa defines her life in terms of her performance as Mrs. Richard Dalloway, the perfect hostess. Clarissa performs the role to the extent that it consumes her. She tries to equate the performance of this role or type with her identity, but her attempts to use the role as a substitute for the fixed-essentially the Victorian—sense of self she covets result in emptiness, a lack of fulfillment, and ironically, virtually no self at all. All of Clarissa Dalloway’s actions testify to a longing for a recognizable, stable, unified Victorian self. Even her love for organizing parties for her husband’s political career hints a deep-seated desire for structure. However, the only true structure Virginia Woolf provides in this modernist novel is, again, time—the chiming of Big Ben, counting down the hours of the day. The simple Victorian conception of selfhood Clarissa constantly attempts to fabricate for herself in her layers of conscious is a flat, nonexistent falsehood belonging to the past era, prior to the trauma of WWI. For Mrs. Dalloway to be a simple London housewife character would be the exact opposite of Woolf’s modernist aspirations of exploring new selfhood in the complexity of modern character. Clarissa cuts much deeper.Mrs. Dalloway is a prime example of the modern novel and the beginning of modern character due to its experimentation with traditional literary formats by manipulating time and order, perspective, and point of view. “On or about December 1910 human character changed,” Virginia Woolf so declared in the beginning of “Mr. Bennett and Mrs. Brown”. When peace finally arrived in England at the end of the World War One, the trauma incurred triggered a revolutionary movement of self-determination in early twentieth century culture that lives on into literature today. The Modernist Period in English Literature indicates a historic movement that broke from the traditional, recommending that individuals get rid of old conventions and attempt to replace them with updated and improved ones that interact with the new world, shattered by global warfare, in a more self-conscious way.  The modernist movement emerged as a new, visceral artistic and literary reaction against the sterile and suddenly culturally irrelevant Victorian culture of the nineteenth century. And, as one of modernism’s foremost literary figures, Virginia Woolf strove to carry this movement forward by breaking from traditional writing forms, recommending that society get rid of old conventions and attempt to replace them with tested and improved ones.

this one, by Ondine

this one’s for new york city and the rolling bitumenbeneath my feet on meserole streetthe soggy subway cars that inject youinto the city and hide you momentarily beneaththe earth’s crustthis one’s for the guy on the corner deliwho once put chicken in my blt but its okay because he asks me how youdoing sweety where you been that’s three dollarsthis one’s for the exaggeration, hyperbole,overreaction that is inherent everywhere-on prince and broadway, bedford and 6th,houston and lafayette,this one’s for the friends that call me,for the friends that don’t, the friends that willand the ones that won’tfor the three-legged dog that doesn’t quit:this one’s for you

Listicle Satire, by E Yeon

Pitches for Ironic Listicles:

  • Addictions that are problematic but don’t quite warrant rehab
  • Names of men who are more likely to go through a divorce
  • Tramp stamps that defy the patriarchy
  • DIY projects you can do with your sex toys
  • Halloween costumes that show you were raised in a shame based American religious tradition
  • Reviews of instruments my Asian mother made me try as a child
  • 7 ways I’ve dishonored her, my family, and my cow
  • Names for pet cows
  • Random estimations of each U.S. president’s stamina
  • Stage names for the Obama family
  • Memes that express condolences appropriately
  • Fan theories following the 44th season finale of “America”
  • Birthday gifts I’ll show polite gratitude towards but won’t love (it’s 11/29 btw)

 

From our Editors: thoughts about Paris from Audrey

Reflecting on six years of French class

Audrey Deng is the Copy Editor at West 10th and the Arts Editor at Washington Square News. She is a sophomore studying Comparative Literature and English. Talk to her about Frank Stella's retrospective at the Whitney, because she's excited about that.In my mind, Paris exists in textbook images from high school, a series of impressions divided by semester. In the fall, French class was a sanctuary; we would sip hot chocolate while thinking about what we should/could/would do in the languid conditionnel tense, snow piling outside of the window. We would read about (and later eat) delectable French holiday pastries like Bouche de Noël and fondant cake. In the spring, we flung open the windows and projected images of tulip-lined streets to "La Vie en Rose." Paris, just saying the word Paris, implied panache. I felt that simply by being in French class, we students sat straighter, spines strengthened by speaking the language of a country heralded for its elegance.CT3UQ9BUYAAsKK8

Last Friday, on November 13, I went to my French class where we learned about the subjunctive (il est important que nous brossons nos dents!). I cooked oatmeal, wrote birthday cards, and Paris erupted into frightened chaos. Guns had fired in the Bataclan concert hall of an Eagles of Death Metal concert, along with bombings throughout the city, killing at least 130 people.The hateful act of terrorism scorches a sad chapter in the world's history, but humans have been sad before. The sickening feeling comes from the fact that it is becoming frighteningly easy to measure the passing of time not by how light illuminates the earth, but by how shadows shroud the globe in darkness.I went to a peaceful gathering in Washington Square Park to pay tribute to France, eavesdropping on the sad conversations held through clouds of sad cigarette smoke. Everything seemed sad. People stood sadly, conversed sadly, smoked sadly. Never, in my life, have I heard a sad French conversation take place in real life until that Friday. "Do you know anyone injured or dead?" one would ask another. "No, all safe, thank God. You?" So it went--and it was jarring.Understanding sadness in another language permanently changes the way one listens and reads and thinks, vous comprenez? It sharpens the vision, tightens the eardrums. Once you have heard those words of death and injury, the language and your history with it, changes. Tenses take on different meanings: the conditionnel is a call to action, the subjonctif is what we want to do, and the imparfait is the way we used to be. And French will never be the same to me.Il est necessaire que nous soyons gentils. It is necessary that we are kind.

From our Editors: LGBT Novel Recs from Allen Fulghum

Hi all, I’m Allen, one of West 10th’s prose editors. I’m a senior in Gallatin studying modernism, homosexuality and the First World War. When I sat down to make a short list of my favorite 20th century LGBT novels to share with you all, I realized that I’d chosen at least one representative of each decade from the 1910s to the 1960s—so here are six decades of LGBT literary history, condensed. 

Six decades, six brilliant LGBT novels

Maurice - E.M. Forster (1913)66ce77a8-5861-4597-ad54-795fc667828eWritten in 1913 but only published posthumously in 1971, Maurice was well ahead of its time in its nuanced depiction of a young man discovering and coming to terms with his sexuality. While Forster carefully examines the difficulties of identity and love, Maurice is ultimately founded on the belief that same-sex relationships have the capacity to be profound, beautiful and happy—a radical thesis for a novel written when men were still routinely arrested and imprisoned for having sex with other men.   
Orlando - Virginia Woolf (1928)d43caa20-84a8-4de0-81e5-6746f1f1a21eSubtitled “A Biography,” Orlando was written as a paean to Woolf’s friend and erstwhile lover, the aristocratic Vita Sackville-West. With typical élan, Woolf transforms Sackville-West into the novel’s eponymous protagonist, a sex-changing immortal who begins as an Elizabethan nobleman and ends as a successful female author in ‘the present day’ (that is to say, 1928). Traversing three hundred years of Orlando’s life, Woolf relentlessly questions conventional notions of history, authorship, gender and sexuality.   Nightwood - Djuna Barnes (1936)dc0d6d65-ee3c-4182-b604-469e86106307Contained in a deceptively slim volume, Nightwood is a superbly stylized portrait of a doomed lesbian relationship in the bohemian Paris of the interwar years, explicated through the head-spinning speeches of Dr. Matthew-Mighty-grain-of-salt-Dante-O'Conner (who is just as campy as his name suggests). This modernist masterpiece was lauded by T.S. Eliot as “so good a novel that only sensibilities trained on poetry can wholly appreciate it.”    Notre Dame des Fleurs/Our Lady of the Flowers - Jean Genet (1943)b9f2103a-0cad-446a-9298-e28f205ea50bSimilarly to Nightwood, this novel renders the Parisian underworld in prose so rich and revelatory it practically creates a new class of literature. The lives and loves of its central characters—sex workers, trans women, and teenage murderers, all bearing charming monikers like Divine and Darling Daintyfoot—are unspooled by a capricious narrator who creates the world of the novel while masturbating in his prison cell (!!!).   The Charioteer - Mary Renault (1953)Renault, having worked as nurse at a British military hospital during the Second World 938fdf19-6cb0-4cac-8085-f7edca07323fWar and later emigrated to South Africa to live with her female partner, was uniquely equipped to write this novel, which follows a British soldier who falls in love twice over as he recovers from a combat wound. With equal measures of heartfelt psychological insight and cutting social observation, The Charioteer struggles with the tensions between idealism and reality, individualism and community, and innocence and experience.  Another Country - James Baldwin (1962)An earlier novel of Baldwin’s, Giovanni’s Room, is often hailed as a masterpiece of gay literature, but while Giovanni’s Room is a claustrophobic investigation of one man’s psychology, Another Country seems to encompass an era. 2dedb81c-2e50-4c36-8d58-de261d3251ceThe characters are gay, straight, bisexual, questioning and in denial; white and black; working-class and middle-class and destitute and wildly successful. In a rhythm reminiscent of jazz, the novel traces the cast as they move in and out of each other’s lives, coupling and splitting up and getting back together, rising and falling in fortune—but always circling around the specter of a character who commits suicide at the end of the novel’s first act.

From our Editors: why Su Young Lee writes

Su Young Lee—this year’s prose editor here. Currently a sophomore who hopefully and finally narrowed it down to studying English Literature, Journalism, and Creative Writing (fun fact, I’m indecisive). Why (How) I Write   I see a man with his daughter on his lap, brushing her hair away from her small sleeping face as if they weren’t sitting in the middle of a crowded subway train. I like their intimacy and decide that maybe I’ll write about them someday. I never do. I sit in a café and eavesdrop on a job interview as the man becomes increasingly and amusingly anxious, visualizing his half-uttered sentences in the air, full of ellipses. I sit in my room on an especially bad day and decide that the imagined tragedy of how I feel will look good on paper, but all I can manage is jot down a few phrases that all sound like half-finished lines from terrible poetry—my poetry—and I throw the piece of paper away. You see, I like thinking about writing. Sometimes I convince myself I’m really a writer because all I can think about is how something will look on a page.     Then I come to my senses and decide that a writer is probably someone who actually writes. This is discouraging because writing is kind of hard. I plan characters, conversations, odd little phrases but when it comes to writing them down and filling in the gaps I find that I’m not a writer after all. Not a writer I’d like to be, or maybe I think I should be, the clichéd artist tortured by the task of translating their genius onto paper. The only thing I’m tortured by is my fear, laziness, lack of inspiration. While everything I see and hear and feel I think about writing down, it’s rare that I actually do.     This is partly why I sign up to a creative writing class. People say writing comes from the heart, the soul, from whatever other metaphorical body part, but honestly sometimes I just need someone to make me write because otherwise I never will. I have to make it inevitable because when I finally start writing I confirm what I suspected all along—that I hate writing.    This is the process of writing that I loathe: in bed. I don’t like sitting on a desk because it seems like I’m doing work, even though writing is really hard work. I put on some music before I decide that it’s distracting. I stare down at a blank piece of paper—or Word document. I tend to start with paper the first few times because I think writing by hand is romantic but I throw down my pen and hate myself finding I have more scribbles and crossed-out words than useable material. Blankness is encouraging—threatening—and maybe promising. The ugly blacked out words, however, are sad visual reminders of my failure that I’m too conceited to stand.     But if I hate it so much, why do I do it? Despite all the complaining and self-loathing, there’s something addicting about the adrenaline that comes with writing, beyond the effects of all the caffeine I consume. It’s the starting that’s hard, but once something is on the page the next words tumble after each other. I let myself ramble. When I finish the piece (the draft) it’s like finally letting out air after holding my breath. It’s at that moment when I close my laptop and go to sleep, because I conveniently write in bed, that I think I have found the reason I write. The feeling of satisfaction. There are a lot of other and often forgotten reasons too, like how I want to be eloquent but writing is the only way I can achieve it, how I like to hide behind the anonymity of words on paper, but how I also like the intimacy it provides. Sometimes I hate it because having to write something interesting is a reminder that my actual life is unexciting, but maybe I like that I can live through the pages I write. I don’t know if that’s sad. Sometimes I think being a writer means being sad—dragging up things that have happened, bad things, or things that never will.        Ultimately though, being a writer means writing. I may hate the act of writing but I love its effects, a similar relationship I have to cooking and actually eating the food. Hate the labour, if you will; devour the fruit. If I want to be a writer there’s really nothing else for me to do but write. That’s the one thing that all writers of all genres have in common—writing words, instead of just thinking about them. No matter how bad you think you are or how much you dislike the physical act of writing, writers write. So to all you aspiring writers: give yourself deadlines, make others give you deadlines, find some way to force yourself to put words on a page.

From our Editors: tiny tomorrow manifesto from Justin Hong

Hello! I'm Justin Hong, West 10th's poetry editor! I'm a junior studying Asian/Pacific/American Studies and Creative Writing. I am also all about dat anticolonialism, antiimperialism, antiracism, etc. tiny tomorrow manifesto/ Justin Hongafter Arundhati Roy  [tomorrow’s instruction manual is nestled inside this very if.]justplaintired, bonefizzy, and looking past yourself, you’re  learning how to make happy, freight happywith things that haven’t  happened yet. in  this sort of invention, the see-do poetics has amagazine you stuff with a dustcoated heirloom dream.  you tug on the trigger and the expired ammu-nition shatters, linguafranca barrel shatters. does  the handheld poetics shatter? it must. joy! but thatis all prepwork. for real step1 is: how to make rubble [hope] count?  

From our Editors: an Afternoon in Brooklyn with Jenny Cronin

Although art appreciation, or even collection, may seem like a daunting concept for the average college student, it is actually quite an enjoyable experience. Have you ever wanted to look at some amazing art, but found it wasn’t accessible? Galleries are not always the most welcoming environments, with snobby shop assistants or outrageous price ranges that no one younger than their mid-thirties can afford. But, the college student is in luck, because there are also places like The Cotton Candy Machine in Brooklyn—a gallery that accommodates all wallet sizes and has a wonderful staff very eager to be of service.IMG_0299 The shop, located on 1st Street, has a very fresh and modern feel, and caters to a younger audience, so if you’re looking for something to do on a Saturday afternoon, or you just want to see some cool drawings, toys, paintings, wood carvings etc., this is the place for you. The bright blue benches outside will draw you in and the art will make you stay. They break out some crazy and innovative artists that have a lot to say even on small surfaces. In fact, the shop is well known for its quaint sized drawings and paintings.The Cotton Candy Machine (even the name sounds cool and inviting!) was co-founded by an artist herself, Tara McPherson, who makes extremely colorful, detailed paintings that can be bought for as little as $20 as a lithograph. She sells her art in many other forms, including shirts and tank tops. The shop also has featured artists hanging on the walls, a toy, sticker, and button collection by the register, and a center table dedicated to art books and magazines.IMG_0300Did I mention that this art gallery happens to be a convenient 15-minute walk from Smorgasburg’s Williamsburg location (open Saturdays from 11am-6pm until November 21st) where you can pick up unique foods from over 100 different local food vendors? I seriously recommend the Pineapple Black Pepper Ginger Soda (all natural) from Bolivian Llama Party, the Ramen Burger, and a Hibiscus doughnut from Dough. IMG_0295There are also tons of other unique places in the area that deserved to be checked out, like Artists and Fleas, a handcrafted art and vintage market. Brooklyn doesn’t just have an amazing writing atmosphere, but appreciates all forms of art, handcrafting, and individuality. I highly recommend checking out all the above-mentioned places for a great afternoon that won’t disappoint!--Jenny CroninThe credit for the  first and third photographs of this blog post goes to IG @thecottoncandymachine!